Only God Knows

This place is completely unsuitable, it is after all a barn, full of -- hay, dirt, and, hiding in the hay, snakes and mice and only God knows what else. I can't stay here, I know that, but for now, this is where I must hide, Nunzi says so. For now, I am nursing Pia, a baby with a shock of blonde curly hair, where she got it from, only God knows. She is sucking hard on my tender nipples, swallowing me up is how it feels, but she is after all more than two weeks old.

And my precious infant, only in his second day on earth, he is nursing on Adelina's breasts, on his way to Paola with Adelina and Nunzi in the donkey cart. Oh how my heart aches for him, the baby face burned into my mind.

This is Nunzi's plan: she will go back to Paola to register my son as hers, with Adelina being the wet nurse, or "la balia." All this to satify the "uffici comunali," the officials of our town. Oh how I have grown to hate them, the city bigshots, almost as much as Crudele, the evil priest. They are not one ounce good people, they are in cahoots with the church and their only intention is to keep my son from me.

If Nunzi were here, her olive eyes would grow wide, and she would quiet me, she would return me to gratitude, "Hush, Filo," she would say. "Just be thankful you can nurse your son for a few months!" Yes, it's true, I am grateful for Nunzi, for all she's doing and has done and will do! Otherwise, my flesh and blood, my precious baby would be gone from me forever into some repugnant foundling home!

So before the day is through, the two of them -- Nunzi and Adelina -- will return, and I will start nursing my son, his name unknown to me as yet! (Why do the uffici get to name him? How come? Some day if I have my way things will change!)

I hear the rusty squeal of the barn door sliding and as it opens a heavy shaft of sunlight falls on me in the hay. Little Rico pokes his head inside. I must say, he makes me smile. I'll be delighted if my little boy turns out so sweet as this child with the wild hair.

"May I sit with you a while?" Rico asks, very quietly, and I pat the straw next to me. It is as though I have made my own nest here. Thanks be to God that we are experiencing warm dry weather, and Nunzi and Adelina left me with plenty of blankets.

Rico sits, cross-legged, his bouncy curls covering one eye. "How long are you going to live with us?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know that," I say. And I think again, only God knows how things will go. Nunzi's plan is that I stay here with Adelina for maybe three months. "But we'll see," she says.

And then, when my time here is up, I will return to Paola, and my baby will live...with Nunzi.

I shake my head now, trying to rid myself of any future thoughts, I would rather not think ahead to something I dread with every cell of my being.

Suddenly I hear a squeal and I look down, but Pia is fast asleep her lips open, dangling over my breast. The squeal it turns out is from a huge white cat, whose green eyes meet mine when I look up! "Mamma mia what a beautiful cat that is!" I say, and Rico gets up and scoops the cat up by her middle, which is thick and bulging.

"Her name is Angela," Rico says, petting her head. She purrs with satisfaction, and I think to myself, what a nice thing this cat is.

"I have never seen such a pretty cat," I say.

"Yes, and maybe you will want one of her kittens. Her name is "Bianca," and my mommy says she acts like "una principessa!" He looks at me with a knowing smile as if he can't imagine that I would say no to the offer of a kitten.

"Oh well, perhaps," I say, and then I think, what will she eat? When only God knows how I will make money for my own meals, how can I take on a cat?

At that moment Rico's papa sticks his head in the barn. Bruno is a nice fellow, short and very strong. I have exchanged only a few words with him since I've been here.

"Rico ragazzo, what are you doing playing with that cat when you have chores mio figlio???"

"Oh I'm sorry Bruno he asked if he could keep me company?!!" I set Pia on one of the blankets and get to my feet. Rico meanwhile, lets go of the cat. Bianca heads directly to where Pia lies.

"SCAT!!!" I yell, reaching down to push away the cat. I scoop up the infant, who is now awake. "Stay away from this precious girl!"

Rico heads out of the barn, and I decide I am not going to hide here in the barn any longer. I follow the boy and his father into the barnyard. It's such a beautiful warm winter day, it's a sin to stay inside.

I carry Pia around the barnyard pointing out the animals: "Guarda qui c'e l'antico asino!" The ancient donkey. "E guarda qui il grande maialino, che alata is suoi numerosi bambini!" And look here the big piggym nursing her many babies!" I set Pia against my shoulder and patted her back, and then a burp and then a splash of warm milk all over my back.

"Ah Pia, e un bene che stasera non vado a un ballo elegante, profuma di latte materno!!!" Ah Pia, it's good I'm not going to a fancy dance tonight, smelling like mother's milk!"

I give the baby a squeeze and in that moment, the idea that I will soon be nursing my own baby carries ne into the clouds!