I lay there feeling more alone than I ever have before. How has it come to pass that I cannot even imagine telling my dear Nunzi about Giovanni and what happened with him in the ocean?
I cringe every time I relive those endless moments of terror when the old man just kept screaming and screaming.
I hear the door open, Mama is coming in from outdoors. I inhale. I cannot possibly tell her what happened. She would be furious and mortified and God knows what else!
She knocks and pushes open my door.
I sit up and force myself to smile.
"Well, you are awake early today!" Mama sits down on the edge of my bed.
I keep smiling and give her a tight hug. I smell oregano and basil on her clothes. And something else. Her skin smells lemony.
"Will you be going to the villa today Fi? If so, you better get up and have a little something to eat before you leave."
I close my eyes. What will I say? I had told her that Giovanni was leaving next week, but I also told her that I would be going to the villa each day this week.
"Actually, Mama, I think I will be staying here today. As it turns out, Giovanni doesn't need me and I think I will pay a visit to Nunzi."
That's enough to satisfy her. She leaves, saying she will make me cafe. I dress quickly in one of my sack-like dresses and go into the kitchen for the wooden bucket. I disappear out the door and walk as slowly as possible to the town fountain, and take my time filling the bucket with water.
As I return home, I feel myself sinking deep into a morass (a word G taught me recently) of confusion and sadness. I feel like I am drowning with love for Giovanni and I know now for certain that I want very much to be his wife. But how can that possibly happen when his father is such an intolerable monster, full of hatred for Giovanni.
For the first time, it occurs to me just how impossible a situation I am in with G. I do think he loves me, but that's not the point. He really is an aristocrat, and me, I am just a poor young girl from Paola. Giovanni -- and his many friends -- have showed me that the world is so much wider and more interesting than I ever imagined. Giovanni has the power to transform me from a humble peasant into an aristocrat. But now I know that will never happen -- because I will never be welcome in his world, especially by his father!
Standing outside the door, I inhale again. I can't let Mama know about any of this. So after I wash my face in cold water, and soap and rinse my hands, I smile and sit down with her, determined to act as normally as I can while we sip our cafe and I eat a hunk of bread and provolone for breakfast.
By the time I finish eating, I am starting to feel like I will explode if I don't unload my burden. That's when it occurs to me: I must go to St. Francis, to seek out Father Crudele. I must ask him if I can say confession.
Telling Mama I am going to Nunzi's, I leave and make my way to the church. I try the door, and alas, it's locked. I consider knocking but realize right away how foolish that would be. I consider going to the rectory, but that is even more out of the question. No one disturbs the crabby old priest before the church opens its doors.
And so once again, I go down to the ocean. I unlace my boots, take off my stockings and feel the warm sand between my toes. The sun is sparkling on the water, and birds are diving for fish. I walk about a kilometer, and find the salty air and the waves have a calming effect.
Stopping at some rocks, I sit down in the sand. I wish Nunzi were here with me. But the more I think about it, I'm convinced that Nunzi would be horrified by what transpired with G yesterday. Dropping back on the sand, I know that I must say a confession and simply make a promise to myself that no matter how much I love him, I will never seek out Giovanni's company again.
I lay down in the sand and feel the sun warming my face. I fall asleep in the sand and when I wake up, the sun is overhead. I feel like my cheeks are burning. I brush the sand off my dress and walk back down the beach. At the town center, I put on my socks and lace up my boots and head for the church. The door is open, and with my heart hammering, I walk inside. Empty, of course.
I have my eyes closed, and I am deeply concentrating on praying when I hear shoes at the front of the Church. For a moment I think I won't open my eyes, because I am suddenly terrified thinking about what I have set out to do. Will I tell Father Crudele everything? And if I do, who knows what the priest will say?
"Hello my child." I open my eyes and Father Crudele is there in front of me. "What brings you here today?"
I stare at him but can't bring myself to speak. Finally he turns. "I don't have all day you know."
"Oh, uh, yes, Father, I wondered if I might...say confession." I speak quietly, and for some reason, I suddenly start sneezing.
"I'm sorry, what did you say? Speak up Filomena!"
I finish sneezing. I inhale. "I need to say confession."
His eyebrows rise. "Oh, I see. Well, give me a few minutes and I will meet you at the confessional."
The next few minutes go so very slowly. Half-way down the aisle, I am full of doubt. Why am I putting myself in the hands of the priest? At least if I had told Mama what happened with G, I know Mama loves me! And while she might be angry, I know she would forgive me. Or Nunzi! I could have told Nunzi too. What am I thinking?
But now I reach the rear of the Sanctuary, and I am staring at the small box with the red curtain over the priest's door. And on the floor, the wooden kneeler. I approach and set my knees in place. As usual, my knees ache almost immediately. I clasp my hands and wait for the priest to slide back the grill.
What will I say? I start another Hail Mary, asking her for guidance. And the grill slides.
"Yes, child, what do you want to tell me?"
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. My last confession was two weeks ago."
I stop. He says nothing. I suck in a big breath and keep going.
"You know I am a good girl, Father, but I have fallen in love with a man and he has kissed me on the lips and on the neck...and...on the...ch...chest... And I would like to marry him but I am not sure that is possible. And I lied to Mama once." I decide that's all I need to say, and even though I expect all hell to break loose now that I have confessed, I already feel a bit better. Saying it all out loud, I have let go of the guilt, or at least of some of it, and I am rather buoyant (another word G taught me!)
Still, my hands are clammy, and sweat is sprouting under my arms and around my neck. When the priest doesn't speak right away, I wonder if by some chance he hasn't heard me. How could that be? Will I have to repeat myself? A pain starts up at the base of my neck and rises like a fountain up into the top and sides of my head. Dread descends over me like rain. And then he speaks.
"Filomena, I'd like to explain something to you," the priest begins. "You are speaking about a man who has been very generous to the church. So very generous! He is a man of the highest caliber. All of us here in Paola owe him a great debt. When you agreed to become his housekeeper, you assured me that you knew how to behave. And yet here you are telling me now that you have seduced this benefactor. I am gravely disappointed in you, because you have failed to restrain yourself. How could you let this happen? Who said anything to you about falling in love? Where did you get the idea that a man of his aristocratic station would go looking for a wife among the peasant stock of Paola?"
His words land like lit matches setting my face on fire. I begin to shudder, waves flooding me from my neck to my knees. All I want to do is to flee the confessional and the church and race to the ocean and dive into the greenish blue waves and maybe never come up and certainly never have anything to do with the priest or Giovanni ever again. Slowly, the tears start to well up in my eyes. I want to protest against what Crudele said, I want to tell him -- scream at him -- that I never "seduced" Giovanni, oh that is so absolutely untrue, but I realize Crudele too is a monster and won't believe a word I say!
The priest continues.
"You will say ten Our Fathers, and besides that you will say the Rosary, twice a day, morning and evening, for the next 30 days. As you pray, remind yourself that you come from the most humble origins, and that you will act the part of a decent young domestic. You do your job, and you let go of the rest of this foolish and dangerous nonsense inside your head. Is that clear?"
I am sniffling now and having no handkerchief, I am wiping my nose on my dress.
"Y...yes," I whisper.
, "Speak up, please."
"YES!" I scream and then it happens. I just keep screaming! "DAMMIT FATHER, I NEVER SEDUCED GIOVANNI, he's the one who kissed me!!! This is so damn unfair!" And then I utter another cry, one more like that of a gorilla than a girl. And I do another unthinkable thing, I flee the confessional before saying my Act of Contrition, and before the priest can absolve my of my sins.
I burst out of the door of the church and I run, heading straight back to the sea! I will let the waves absolve me!
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