I filled a couple dozen pages of my leather journal. I felt like it was getting eastier for me to write all the time. I'm proud of what I wrote, well most of it.
There was that day that I embarrassed Giovanni, although I certainly never intended to! It was a Wednesday, the first week in May. The weather was really starting to get warm, and so when we were writing on the terrace, we sat at a cluster of small round tables under the palm trees. That day, I think there were seven of us. Tullio and Edoardo were back, but now there was a couple, Ana Maria and her husband, Benito. They were so nice to me. Ana Maria, who is a portrait artist, made a special effort to talk to me. One morning she asked me to walk on the beach with her in the afternoon (we went after I finished kitchen duty.)
And then she told me that she was expecting a baby! I was so thrilled for her, and so proud that she considered me friend enough to hear her exciting news!
There were a few other interesting people too. Matteo -- he and Giovanni have been friends since they were little boys -- is a musician. Unlike G, who is very tall, Matteo is a very small man, like about my height (a bit more than 5 feet!). The wonderful thing about him is that he writes librettos for operas! He doesn't sit on the terrace with us, but rather, occupies a sunroom in another section of the villa. But at noon every day, he joins us when we break for cafe!
And then there was Cristina, Giovanni's younger sister, who is a very fine landscape painter. She has the same reddish blonde curls as G does, and the same sea green eyes. But she is very serious, and very quiet. She would set up her easel on the opposite side of the terrace, and she would stare out at the ocean for such a long time before she started painting. She was also very private about what she painted. I so wanted to see what she was doing but I didn't dare interfere.
It was clear that she adored her brother. Every morning, when she came downstairs and joined us on the terrace, she stood behind Giovanni and placing one hand on either side of his face, she kissed him on his head, a long slow kiss! That always made me smile.
So I guess it's time I talk about the day I embarrassed G (I've started to refer to him as "G," instead of D, as D was for Diavolo, and I know that name really does not fit him at ALL!)
We gathered about eleven, which is when I arrive at the villa in the carriage. There were big puffy clouds in the sky and the sun was in and out, so someone suggested we sit in lounge chairs away from the palms. Pietro arranged the chairs in a large circle. There was me and Giovanni, Benito, who is a poet, Edoardo and Tullio, and a new couple who had just arrived the night before.
As we sat down, G introduced me to the new couple. "Filomena, may I present two people who are just passing through. Claudia and her husband, Filippo. They live in Rome right now, but they are traveling the whole of the Italian peninsula."
"Bongiorno," I said. "It is a pleasure to meet you!"
"Pleasure to know you, too" Filippo said. "Piacere di conoscerti!" Claudia didn't say a word, and at the time I didn't think anything of it. Only later would I realize the predicament that I unknowingly walked right into!
G didn't say whether these two were writers or not, in fact, he didn't say anything else about them at all. But since they sat down on the terrace with us, I just assumed they were going to write.
Benito read from Dante's "Paradiso," with which I was totally unfammiliar. It always makes me a little nervous that I don't really know anything about the literature that G and his friends read from, because I worry I will write something stupid. But so far, I haven't come up with anything ridiculous.
So he began:
"O you, eager to hear more
who have followed in your little bark
my ship that singing makes its way
turn back if you would see your shores again.
Do not set forth upon the deep,
for, losing sight of me, you would be lost.
He went on for a few more stanzas but right away, I realized what I needed to write:
"I want so much to set forth upon the deep. For in my life, I have been sleeping for so many years -- it's only in the last few weeks that I have been able to start writing in a serious way. It's only here at the villa, in the company of Giovanni and his wonderful friends that I have had the courage to open up, expressing my honest feelings and emotions by writing them down in this beautiful journal. I am that person riding in a little bark, following Giovanni's ship! I know I would be forever lost if I lost sight of him. He has been my inspiration. Over and over again he has praised what I've written. I am so grateful for that praise and I want him and the world to know that I am forever and ever grateful and that I don't take it for granted! And I hope what he has started here never ends because I just love it." I thought about writing "and I love him, too" but I knew that would be really foolish.
I don't really see it that way. Well, so, I wasn't the first reader. Benito chose Giovanni to go first. I honestly don't remember what he wrote. Because after he read, Benito asked me to read and I did. Afterward, there was total silence. I looked up. Giovanni was squeezing his eyes shut. And just about everyone else was smiling and staring at him. I was used to people telling me that what I wrote was powerful. There was always praise for my writing, but not this morning.
Finally Claudia spoke, but not about my writing. "So Giovanni, what does it feel like to be a big ship followed by such a devoted little bark?" The others stifled their smiles and laughter. Giovanni looked at Claudia, and just shook his head. "Claudia, I don't think you understand what Filomena was trying to say."
"Oh really?" said Filippo. "What was it she was trying to say?"
I was horrified. I had no idea that my words would cause Giovanni such embarrassment. I wanted to say something that would rectify the situation, but what would that be? I started feeling a little frantic.
But once again, G came to my rescue. He turned to face Claudia. "What she was trying to say is that living in Paola, she never had the opportunity to become a writer. She never imagined she might have the chance to sit among other writers and find her voice and express her ideas. I am happy and proud that I've given her that opportunity and she is merely expressing her gratitude."
Claudia smirked. "Oh is that it?" And with that, she got up from her chair and disappeared into the villa. Filippo followed her. It was only then that I realized that neither one of them had been writing.
I had to fight my great desire to be the third one to disappear. I felt so so sorry that I had caused this uproar between G and his friends! I wanted to apologize to him but I was afraid I would only make things worse.
It took all my strength to keep sitting there. I tried ever so hard to listen to the rest of the readers. I'm afraid I didn't contribute anything the rest of the morning. When it turned noon, and it was time for cafe, I rose and just left. I didn't have the stomach to talk to anyone.
I worked in the kitchen all afternoon without speaking. Finally, Giuseppi asked me what was wrong. I told him I had embarrassed Giovanni by what I had written in the morning. Giuseppi tried to reassure me. "He is a grown man and he can handle himself," Giuseppi said. "You have a heart of gold, and I cannot imagine you writing anything that would embarrass him or anyone else."
I dismissed what he said. It was time to put on my uniform to serve dinner. I dreaded seeing all of G's friends at the table. I wasn't sure I would be able to do it. But wouldn't you know, Giovanni showed up in the kitchen a few minutes later!
"Hello there Fi!"
"Giovanni, I am so very sorry I embarrassed you this morning. It was never my intention to do that!"
"Of course it wasn't," he said matter-of-factly. "I know that and so does everyone else."
I looked at him in confusion. "I don't understand. When Claudia asked you..." He interrupted.
"There is someting you need to know about Claudia," he said. "She and I grew up together and for a long while there were those people who thought we would marry. Those people included my father."
My eyes shot open.
"Yes, it was her family that wanted it. And my father hoped for it too because her family manufactures leather products. My mother of course knew I wasn't in love with Claudia and so she never pressured me, not a bit. And yes, Claudia wanted it too. But it was never ever my desire! You see, Filomena, she is a cold-hearted woman, or at least she can be. She is definitely not an artist or a writer or a musician. And neither is Filippo. So they are well suited. Claudia has all the money in the world and now they can travel together as they please. They wrote to me recently and asked if they could stay at the villa when they were in the south of Italy and of course, being family friends for a very long time, I couldn't really say no. Now I know it was a terrible mistake."
I inhaled. This was a lot to take in. I tied my apron around my waist. "Thank you for this explanation, Giovanni. But I still think I was too revealing."
He placed his hands on both my shoulders -- he held me in place. "Filomena, you wrote what you were feeling. There is never anything wrong with that, especially when those feelings grow out of love."
"Yes, but I should never say that I am in love with you in public be..."
"And why not?" There was a smile dancing on his lips. "Because you are not in love with me?" He pulled me toward him and gently kissed my forehead and then my face.
"I...I care for you very deeply," I said. "But..."
"But what?"
"But I don't ever want to...to hurt you or be the cause of any pain."
"And you aren't. Ever. You are the source of great joy!"
I saw Giuseppi in the background. He was carrying piles of plates and bowls in his arms. It was my job to set the table.
"Look Giovanni, I cannot take any more time to talk right now, but I will tomorrow or later if you want!"
"Wonderful!" Giovanni left, and I set the table quickly. I dreaded seeing Claudia and Filippo and so I was completely relieved when Giovanni returned to the kitchen to tell me not to include the two of them at the table for dinner.
"They are dining elsewhere," he said, smiling. I didn't dare ask where.
Later, when it was time to leave, Giovanni showed up sitting in the carriage. The moon was full that night. As G stepped down and helped me up, he asked ne if it would be okay if we took a ride in the moonlight before dropping me off in Paola. I nodded yes, and the driver took us on a winding route that ended us at a cliff overlooking the ocean. The moon was flooding the sea in the most beautiful silver light.
We remained there for maybe twenty minutes. I was beginning to get sleepy. I didn't even have to say anything to G. He leaned over and told Mauro it was time to take me home, and so, the driver stirred the horse and we were on our way.
No matter that I had embarrassed Giovanni in the morning, it still was a pretty perfect day!
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