Racing into the ocean saved me, the salt water restored some of my sanity. I was careful not to go too deep, just until the ocean covered my breasts and then I sank down low so that my head was fully submerged. I took the pins out of my hair and stayed that way with my hair splayed in all directions. Finally my lungs started crying out for air.
Finally, I sat down in the very shallow water. Ah, the color, such a beautiful turquoise in the sun, like a liquid gem, it was perfect. The waves crashed, and the foam and the water crawled up the sand and covered my bare legs and my hips. My dress was a muddy mess. I sat back on my elbows. My hair was loose and crusty with sand. It was so peaceful.
When I get home, Mama sees me, so wet and sandy and disheveled, and carrying my boots under my arm, and she has that fearful look in her eyes. "What is it Filomena? What happened? Tell me!"
I try to smile. "I'll not be going back to Giovanni's mansion, Mama," I announce, in a clear and steady voice. My bounce in the ocean has left me feeling clean, and calmer, even though I feel like my heart has been ripped out of me.
Mama settles down heavily in a kitchen chair. "Oh Filo," she begs, clasping her hands together on the table. "Tell me, did something happen Fi?"
I shake my head. "I don't want to talk about it, Mama." This time I smile for real. "But it is time to stop going. You were right when you said that I would never be Giovanni's equal, and now I really know that!"
Mama laces her fingers together. Her face looks pinched with sadness. "I am so sorry this had to happen, Filomena. All these weeks you have been going to the villa, somehow I started to forget that you and Giovanni come from such different worlds. But I should never have let you go to work there. I tell you, I blame the priest. He's the reason that you started going to the villa in the first place!"
The mention of the priest, and the memory of my encounter with him this morning, bundles me up with anxiety. "Oh, Mama, please don't blame yourself," I say. Tears flood my eyes. But I am determined to stay calm. "I am okay. I will be fine. All those weeks, when I was writing, I learned so much! And now I have found out for myself how things are." I shrug. "And so, no more."
Mama hesitates, and then asks me the question I suppose she must ask. "Was Giovanni a gentleman? Did he treat you properly?" She speaks the last word in a whisper.
"Yes, yes, Mama please, he was a gentleman. Please stop worrying about me!" An image of Giovanni's father ranting and raving on the beach pops into my mind. I close my eyes trying to erase him from memory.
"Of course I worry about you!" She inhales. "Do you think I ever wanted you to get hurt?"
"I know..." I say, "you..." but I am starting to cry now. Mama stands up and wraps her arms around me. I sob into her shoulder, but then I step back and wipe my eyes with my apron. "Thank you Mama for...for loving me the way you do!" And now I miss Papa, oh I can almost smell his tobacco! I squeeze Mama's hand. We stand there together. "Well, now that you are free," Mama says, "you should definitely go see Senora Strada. I saw her in the market yesterday, and she asked when you would be coming back. I told her I wasn't sure."
"So I will go by her house today and make arrangements. And I will visit Senora Ferraro too. You know how much she likes the way I sweep and wash and polish her floors."
Suddenly, out of nowhere, I have an image of G's floor -- the pink and white marble with the high sheen. My stomach drops, as I imagine being in the mansion again. And with that, a feeling of desire comes back over me like an ocean wave. A few moments ago, I felt so strong and clear, telling Mama that it was over. Of course I can't go back. But now here I am swallowed up again in loving Giovanni. Oh God, maybe he will come back, maybe then I can go back to work for him again, wherever he lands! I am tingling, feeling his lips so softly on mine, and especially, his lips on my neck and my back and chest. And now I see him smiling at me. I shake my head, trying to rid myself of these images. Suddenly I realize that Mama has said something to me and I haven't been listening.
"I'm sorry Mama, what did you say?"
"I said, Fi, that I am so proud of you, you have a good head on your shoulders. And you are strong, just like your Papa was."
I smile thinking about my father, how he wasn't that physically strong at all, he limped all his life but still he was strong in spirit, he managed to make a living as a fisherman. I loved going out with him on the boat, I always caught a fish, usually a cod, or a sea bass, but naturally, with him helping to hold onto the fishing rod.
Then my face drops because I miss him so much too. It's been four years since his heart attack.
"Of course, I am always happy to see you hungry!"
I leave the house with the bucket. I planned on going to the fountain directly but then I think I should stop in to talk to Nunzi. I have so much to tell her. And then I think, I just can't go see her now. Is it embarrassment? Maybe. But it is also this feeling that I am now so much more grown up than I was just a few days ago. I realize that I want to keep certain things private. I also realize that I am missing Giovanni more and more. By the time I have finished washing my hair, I feel like there is a gaping hole forming in my chest where my heart was before.
******* It isn't an hour later that Nunzi appears at the door. She knocks once, and then pushes the door open. I am just swallowing the last bite of bread and salami.
"Oh Fi, how nice it is to see you," Nunzi says. "I missed you girl! -- Mi sei mancata, ragazza!"
"Me too, I missed you." But inside I feel like I am hiding the real Filomena, the one who now is so much wiser than the girl of a few days ago. I now understand what Nunzi used to tell me about men, how once they get going, it's hard to stop them! All of a sudden they are "loving a woman up and down her whole body! -- amare una donna su e giù per tutto il suo corpo!"
"So tell me, how is life at the mansion? And and is Giovanni behaving like a gentleman?"
I make myself busy myself getting up from the table, carrying my plate and cup to the wash bucket. "Oh the mansion, Nunzi, you cannot believe how huge, and how fancy it is! I wish you could see it -- so beautiful! The pink and white marble floors, and the staircases, and the statues, and they have a long staircase that runs from the terrace down to the sea! And a million bedrooms. And palm trees, giant palms, and big pots of red flowers."
"Well, Fi, I know all of this already, because you've told me before. But I am more interested in, you know -- how is it going with him?"
I come back to the table and lower myself into the chair. There is no way I am going to tell her what happened with G in the water, or what his maniac of a father did. "Well, so, I almost drowned and...well, Giovanni saved me! But he is leaving so I won't be going back to the villa.
"YOU ALMOST DROWNED, OH DEAR GOD FILO WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THE WATER????
"It's a long story Nunzi, but yes, I was in the water, and I wasn't being careful, I went out too far and the next thing I knew Giovanni was hauling me in, I mean, Nunzi I thought for real that I was going to die, I was terrified!"
"I don't understand. Why were you in the water at all? I thought you were working in the kitchen?"
I start to feel annoyed. Nunzi has always been like a big sister to me, which is fine, but still I hate it when she grills me like this. It's like she is part of the Carabinieri and I am a criminal. What can I tell Nunzi? I want to be careful. I don't want to tell her everything, that's for sure.
"Look, Nunzi, it's complicated. I mean with Giovanni leaving..."
"Well, yes, but..."
"So in the afternoon I had some free time and so did he and it was very warm. And so we went swimming." I shrug my shoulders and look at her matter-of-factly.
"And now he's leaving, you will miss him, yes?"
Suddenly I am so angry I want to sock Nunzi in her smiling face. "Yes, of course I will miss him, Nunzi, sometimes you ask the dumbest questions!"
"Oh well pardon me!" Nunzi shakes her head and sets one hand on her sizable hip. "So sorry to ask the bigshot questions! Filomena, I have never understood your relationship with him. Whoever heard of swimming when you are supposed to be working?"
I don't like the direction this conversation is taking. I refuse to tell Nunzi what happened. And I wouldn't dare tell her that I have fallen so deeply in love with Giovanni. If I do, I might start crying and never stop. I have lost this man that I truly love. How can I possibly find another man like him? No, I will end up being a spinster -- una zitella!
"Look, Nunzi, I had this job and it was great, and I loved writing with Giovanni and his friends, but now it's all over, so that's that. Hopefully Giovanni will be back and we can resume writing together." I hear how ridiculous I sound. I close my eyes and when I open them, I realize that Nunzi is eyeing me closely.
"Did something happen Fi? You know you can tell me, I will be sworn to secrecy of course!"
I love Nunzi but right now I wish she would disappear! No, I won't spell things out. What transpired with Giovanni feels like it's in a kind of golden bubble that I want to save forever. Telling Nunzi would pop that bubble with an ax!
"There's really nothing to tell. I uh...like Giovanni a great deal, but I feel there is no possibility for me to...you know, be married to him."
"Married? Who said anything about marriage? Filo, what is going on, have you lost your mind?"
Suddenly a fury rises up in me! Just like the priest, Nunzi is accusing me of being crazy, even to think about loving Giovanni. As if he couldn't possibly love me! As if I never had the right to fall in love with him, either. But why not, Giovanni has over and over again told me he loves me, and not only that he loves my writing!
"I have not lost my mind, and now, Nunzi, if you will excuse me," I get up from the table -- "I need to see Signora Strada right away, because God knows, I need a job!" I lead the way to the door and hold it open for Nunzi.
"I will see you soon, Noon (short for Nunzi)," I say, giving her a brief hug.
Nunzi passes out the door. "Yes, I guess so. And maybe then you'll get off your high horse and tell me the truth about what's going on!"
******
"You need to go to bed early," Mama tells me when I get home. "You've been through a lot these past few days. You've got to rest up before you work tomorrow!"
We eat lentil soup for dinner, and afterward, I help Mama clean up. Soon, though, I am in bed, and fast asleep. I dream about Giovanni; he is smiling at me, that charming smile I so adore, and he is running his hands up and down my arms very slowly. I'm going crazy in the dream because I am so desperate to kiss him -- somehow I can't! In the morning, I wake up in a sweat, and he is in the center of my mind. The sun is up, but I want to go back to sleep, I don't want to get up and have to feel this overwhelming desire to be in his presence again.
Mama opens my door. "Filomena, you have to get up and get going to Signora Strada's, no?"
"Yes," I say. But my throat has knives in it, it is so sore that it cramps up when I try to talk. "Mama, I think, I am feeling sick today and I may not be able to work."
Mama comes in and places a hand on my forehead. "Hmmm. You are hot. Do you feel like you have a fever?"
How I welcome this fever! Let it take over my body so I can stay in bed! "Yes, I do feel feverish," I croak.
"Well, then, I will get you some water. I guess you ought to rest at least this morning." Mama covers me up but as soon as she leaves the room, I shed all the covers, and lay on the bed shivering. All I can think is: "I can't live the rest of my life like this, wanting to see a man that I adore! I have to figure out a way to see him, at least once more so we can say a proper goodbye."
I am sunk in fever for almost four days! Mama tries the few ways she knows how to treat me: she presses cold cloths into my burning face. She boils water and crushes three cloves of garlic and mixes the garlic with warm water. She holds my head while I sip this repulsive drink. She gives me the herb made from poplar tree bark, and I see some relief, but after a few hours the fever returns.
My dreams keep repeating. I am climbing a staircase up from the ocean, I keep climbing and climbing, I see Giovanni's mansion in the distance but no matter how long I climb, I cannot reach it. I am walking the beach and I decide to swim out and I keep swimming and swimming waiting for him to reach for me.
Sometime during the fever, I hear a man's voice in the kitchen. My head is swimming but I know the voice. And now Mama answers politely. The man raises his voice and I know it to be the priest's. I want to get up, to go into the kitchen, to hear what he is saying to my mother, but when I try to sit up, to swing my legs over the side of the bed, my head is dizzying, and I'm burning up. My limbs won't cooperate. I wait a few minutes. There is silence. Was I just imagining the priest's voice? Would he really come to the house? Unlikely.
And then I hear the voice again. One loud shout. And then he's gone, slamming the door out of the kitchen.
I wait. Will Mama come in?
When she does come in, sometime later, she is carrying a bowl on a tray. She sits on the edge of bed. "Maybe this will make you feel better. Can you sit up?"
I roll over toward the wall and then using all my energy, I pull myself up. My eyes widen. Inside the bowl are two soft-boiled eggs. I look at my mother, who is holding a spoon.
My eyes shot open. Mama has never stood up to the priest before!
"Well then this morning, he brought these eggs as a gift from Giovanni. The priest says that Giovanni misses you, "desperately," according to the priest. He misses your cheerful face, your innocent ways. And he wants to know if the priest can bring him here to visit you!" Mama shakes her head. "The nerve of him!"
I gasp in silence. Am I hearing correctly? Could it possibly be true? Could Giovanni be missing me as much as I miss him? I thought by now that G would have left San Lucido, but maybe he is staying on, maybe because he needs to see me!
"So what did you say?" My voice is still a squeak. But suddenly I feel better. My blood is pulsing again and I am thrilled that I may see my beloved Giovanni again.
"I said no, of course, Filo. What else could I say? I said it wasn't proper or honorable to allow this man I hardly know to come see you in your condition."
My mood falls. I lay back down in bed.
"The priest wasn't pleased at all. He yelled at me that Giovanni is a man of the highest reputation. He said if we, that is, you and me, 'played our cards right,' we might find ourselves living a much better life."
Before I can ask how she responded, Mama tells me. "I know it is dangerous to cross the priest, but I told him he should never have arranged for you to go to San Lucido. I told him that Giovanni would never make you his wife, and I said that our life is fine just the way it is." Mama shakes her head again. "He yelled back at me that I would regret what I said. And then he left, slamming the door."
I stare up at the wooden beams in the ceiling. Of course it makes sense what Mama said. But now I feel all hope of seeing Giovanni is lost for good.
"Filo, please sit up, mia cara ragazza. Please eat these wonderful eggs!"
So I do, I eat the eggs, taking very small bites, along with a piece of buttered bread that Mama has cut into tiny squares. It is the first thing I have eaten in four days. When I'm done, I wipe my mouth on the cloth napkin. "That tasted just delicious, Mama."
"I'm glad." Mama stands. "You are looking a little more human this morning! That is very good to see! Now I want you to drink this cup of chamomile tea. Drink all of it!" She leaves the room and I sit up in bed drinking the tea and wondering if perhaps there isn't some way I can see Giovanni again. And without thinking about it, I decide to do my penance. I say ten Our Fathers and then, I ask the Virgin Mary to bring Giovanni back to me. I want to say the Rosary. But the rosary beads are in the kitchen.
It takes me a few moments to gather my strength, and then I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed. I stand, feeling light-headed, but steady myself against the wall. I make it all the way into the kitchen before I collapse into a chair. My mother is not there. I remain in the chair until my mother returns.
"Oh Filo how wonderful to see you up! Can I fix you some more chamomile tea?"
"Sure, Mama. And can you bring me the rosary beads please?"
Back in my room, I force myself to kneel in front of the bed. I say the rosary, and then I think about Giovanni wanting to visit me, I think about his sending me two eggs for breakfast. Without thinking, I say out loud, "I must see him again."
******
It takes me two more days before I have energy enough to get dressed and walk outside. After a small breakfast of bread and cheese and coffee, I open the door. The sun blinds me, at least at first.
"Mama, I am going out for a walk," I say, trying to sound casual.
"Are you sure you're up to it?" she asks.
"Oh yes, the fever is well behind me now."
"As you wish. Where are you going?"
"Oh, to the ocean I think. And then to talk to Signora Strada. I feel bad I was unable to work for her."
"Oh child, she understands. You take it easy walking!"
I head toward the water.
I walk the entire length of the beach and when I reach the pile of rocks, I turn around and walk back the other way. And then without really thinking, I walk to the church. I want to pray. At least that's what I tell myself.
But when I get to the sanctuary, I don't take a seat in a pew and I don't do any praying. I go directly to the rectory door and knock. After a moment, I hear the door being unlocked. The priest opens the door.
"Ah it's you Filomena," he says, scowling. "I see you are once more part of the living."
"Thank you Father. I want to..." I lift my head. "I want to apologize. I was...it was awful of me to...to swear...and to leave the confessional the way I did."
"You realize how dark a sin you have committed Filomena? There really is no forgiving what you said, and what you did!"
My heart is pounding. I don't want to start in again with the priest. What did I expect him to say.
"I'm sorry Father, but I'm only here to tell you this: please give Giovanni a message from me. He was so incredibly kind to send me those eggs when I was ill. They really revived me. Will you tell him that I said thank you?"
The priest gives me a sharp look, his dark eyes so narrow and scary. "Why don't you tell him yourself?" Without another word, he opens the door wider and there in the priest's easy chair sits Giovanni, smiling at me in a way that I haven't seen him smile before.
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