Feeling Weak, and Finally, Strong!!!

Before I can speak, Giovanni sets the blanket and the satchel down and catches me up in his arms.

"I'm so so sorry," he whispers and this just gets me crying harder. I pull back from him.

"But...I..." What I want to say is "I don't understand, why did this happen?" But I am near hysteria now, I have both hands over my mouth, and I'm trying hard to stop crying, but I am gagging and gasping for air.

Giovanni takes me by the hand and leads me through the streets, me hiccuping and coughing, me staring at the cobblestones hoping I will fall through the earth.

Before I know it we are at the water, again, and the wind comes up and washes salty air over me and suddenly I can breathe, I take long gulps of the refreshing air, over and over again. I watch Giovanni slip off his shoes and when I am calm enough, I do the same, I untie my boots, remove my socks.

We walk to the water, saying nothing. Part of me wants to scream at him, how could you do this to me? Why did you lie? But instead, I stay mute, as does he. And after we have walked by the sea for a while, the waves sloshing over our feet, he speaks.

"Filomena, I will make this right, I promise you."

And in a calm voice I start to reply, "I'm not...sure...that I...that I..." I am about to say the words, "trust you anymore," but before I can, he seizes my hand in both of his and swings around to face me.

"Please don't say it, Fi," he says, "Please!"

My eyes close. "You don't even know what I was going to say."

"Whatever it was, don't say it."

"OK, OK, so I should simply remain silent, I should squash down my feelings, pretend they don't exist, is that the way you want it?" He says nothing.

"You see Giovanni you have created a monster in me, you got me writing day after day after day, laying down my feelings in words, and now you are telling me you don't want to hear those feelings, so what am I supposed to do?"

He throws his head back. Finally, he speaks, very quietly. "Go ahead then, say it."

"I don't know if I can trust you. You told me very clearly you were going to meet my mother to ask for my hand in marriage. And then you got there and...poof! Not that at all!"

He crosses his arms. "OK, yes. You're right. And I'm sorry Fi, I really am. But that doesn't mean I don't love you. And it doesn't mean I don't plan to ask you as soon as...as soon as I can." He looks exhausted.

I feel like I have a fire burning inside me. And suddenly I see myself standing there in front of him, beside the beautiful turquoise sea. And I realize that he is not going to put the fire out. He is not going to take away my fears, my doubts. Tomorrow he will be on his way out of town and it may be months before I see him again. I do not want to appear weak. I think about Papa, how strong he was, and I think about my journal, how much I have learned about myself and my feelings by writing, and suddenly I want to be as strong as I can possibly be.

"Giovanni, I love you and I believe that you love me. But for some reason that you won't explain, you cannot be clear with me. You cannot reaassure me. So I am going to say goodbye to you now, I don't want it to be a long sad goodbye, I thank you for all these weeks, months, writing with me, and being kind and loving toward me. But now it's time to say goodbye. So..." I go onto my tiptoes and plant a kiss on his cheek.

He folds me into his arms and squeezes me so hard I can't breathe. "I do love you Filomena, I do, please don't forget that, don't forget me because I will be back, I promise!" He lets go of me, and then, holding onto my chin, he kisses my lips very gently and I feel myself tipping toward tears again.

I pull away. "Goodbye then," I say, and I turn and run down the beach as fast as I can. And I don't look back because if I did, I would stop running!