I am healthy and have been for a long time. I'm not the depleted depressed self that I was in 2012. But feelings linger and I want to clear all of it. I don't want to carry it in my body anymore. I don't want to spend the next four months, or weeks, or days or hours OR EVEN MINUTES thinking about it. I sit here and I feel my body in the NOW. I WANT TO STAY IN THE NOW AND FEEL GRATEFUL FOR ALL OF MY BLESSINGS.
I am terribly sad about Sharon. But there is absolutely nothing I can do to change what is happening in her life. She isn't permitted visitors in the hospital. I can phone her, when I am able to muster the energy. But when I do call her I know she is going to be depressed and desperate and it's so awfully hard to hear that.
My sister called me a few minutes ago and said "What's up? You haven't phoned all week."
My dog started barking for no reason a few minutes ago. That's not typical. I tried to ignore her but she just kept barking.
Finally I started yelling at her: WHAT IS WRONG? SHUT UP! I WAILED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.
And LO AND BEHOLD, she did stop.
Now I do the same thing with these feelings dragging me down today. I AM FURIOUS, I AM ENRAGED. I WANT TO SCREECH ABOUT THE HELLISH WAY I FEEL. PLEASE GOD PLEASE TAKE AWAY THE SADNESS AND ANGER. PLEASE LIFT THE DESPAIR. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE IT FEELING CRAPPY, I DON'T WANT TO BE UNHAPPY ANYMORE!!!! I DON'T WANT TO CARRY THIS SHIT ANYMORE. THERE IS NO REASON TO. I DON'T WANT TO AND I AM NOT GOING TO SHOULDER IT FOR ANOTHER MINUTE!
So it was my second (and last) stay in a psychiatric hospital. It was about a month after the first, three-day stay I wrote about the other day. This was a two-week stay in an upscale psych hospital. Lots of people were there for drug issues. I was there for ECT. Shock treatment. I remember it like it was yesterday. Being wheeled into the room with the giant machine. Lying down on a table and having the electrodes taped to my head. I had six ECT treatments. And except for taking away some of my memory, the treatments didn't relieve the depression for very long.
PLEASE GOD TAKE THE FEELING OF DREAD AWAY. TAKE THE TRAUMA AWAY. CLEAR IT FROM ME IMMEDIATELY. THERE IS NO REASON TO CARRY IT AROUND TODAY, JULY 24, 2020, EIGHT YEARS LATER.
Must I write about it more? Isn't it sufficient that I've admitted it, laid it out. I don't want to carry it anymore. I don't want to sit here in despair anymore.
Mary says get angry at the doctors -- two of them, one my psychiatrist, the other, my obstetrician who saw I was depressed -- who insisted that shock treatment would cure me. GET ANGRY AT THEM, GET ANGRY AT THE HOSPITALS AND THE STAFF AND THE ENTIRE MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM WHICH HAS SO LITTLE TO OFFER PEOPLE WITH PSYCHIATRIC PROBLEMS.
One thing I think is very interesting. The whole time I struggled with depression back in 2012, my husband Richard said he thought I was going through "a spiritual crisis." He felt that I needed to confront my soul, that I needed a qualified therapist who would relate to me and guide me and my situation spiritually. In the end, he was exactly on target.
I'm feeling a bit calmer. I'm feeling like I can look at the bright side. I'm able to celebrate the miracle that is Mary and her instruction. She has a PhD in Jungian psychology. But she is more than that. Mary is a true healer. She is connected to the Divine realm and shares this spiritual connection freely.
Mary is the one who helped me understand that what I called depression was just me being numb to my feelings. I had cut myself off from my feelings of disappointment. Feelings of helplessness. Feelings of rage and frustration. Feelings of sadness and anger.
Her instruction has been dramatically life-changing. Mary spent the time necessary to help me get in touch with my feelings, both positive and negative.
"When you tell yourself a negative story about the depression," Mary says, that gets you nowhere. "But you can tell a positive story. You can tell yourself, 'I can have my difficult feelings, they flow through me like a river, and then THE SUN COMES OUT," which by the way, it just did!
"You don't have to suffer or be in fear anymore as you have these memories," Mary says. "Instead of feeling fear and dread, you can shower yourself with love and compassion."
We did tapping exercises to help me clear the sting and trauma associated with the hospital memories. And as I told her this morning, "I think I have to write the trauma out of my body."
While you're writing, Mary advised, "let yourself be furious. Be an avenging angel. Write the fury you feel toward the doctors, the fury you feel about there having been no alternatives, the fury at the fact that the experts were certain they knew what was good for you."
And of course, Mary reminds me to immerse myself in cleansing violet flames, which purify and clear all negative human emotions.
I have been writing for about half an hour and I feel so much better. I feel hopeful. I feel upbeat and energized. I am finally hungry for lunch so I'm going to make myself a salad.
And then I'll call my sister and tell her I'm OK because I am!