Sitting in the Crux of It

Has he drowned? Certainly, now, as it is the very end of October, he is either laid up in some port, or something far more unfortunate has happened. I was feeling so frustrated last week that one morning, I swore off all my chores and responsibilities and I actually walked all the way to San Lucido along the coast road to see if I could find Tullio. And God help me, I forgot to wear a hat! By the time I reached San Lucido, my cheeks were fiery. My neck felt scorched.

Did I find Tullio? How silly to think I might! I actually asked several people in the town if they had seen a chubby-faced man with long curly hair in the vicinity of the old town. It's no wonder I got so many peculiar gazes!

Trudging back to Paola later in the day, I decided that it was foolish of me to hold out hope any longer. Giovanni clearly was not coming back. I resolved to begin my life anew! By the time I reached home, though, I was feeling heartbroken once again. I was so tired that I gave into the hopeless feelings that I've been harboring these last five months. I crawled into bed still wearing my soiled dress and stockings. I closed my eyes and prayed to God that if He saw fit, perhaps it was better that I not wake up in the morning.

That thought dissolved me into tears.

The next morning, I woke up to Mama knocking on my door. When I opened my eyes, she was standing above me.

"I would like to know where you were all afternoon yesterday?" Her eyes were accusing me before I could speak. "Signora Bichietti actually came looking for you!"

I sat up. "I took a long walk," I said, preparing to defend myself. I was certainly entitled to a walk once in a while, wasn't I?

Her eyes narrowed. "Oh, and so where did you go?"

I considered lying, but just for a moment. "I...walked to San Lucido." I stopped. I didn't need to say anything further. But suddenly, I could hear how unbelievably stupid I sounded. To walk to San Lucido and back was complete lunacy.

Mama covered her mouth with one hand. I prepared for another lecture. What she did instead, however, was so much worse. She just kept standing there! She just kept staring at me, as if somehow she wasn't sure who I was anymore. And then she set her hands on her large hips and she paced very slowly, back and forth, back and forth, alongside my bed. Not saying a word!

I felt as though I was some kind of prisoner, and she was my jailer. After what felt like forever, I shouted! "Mama, please for the love of God, stop!" Throwing back my bedcovers, I got up and left the bedroom. As I was still in my clothes, I intended to go straight to the ocean. I was almost out the front door when she yelled at me.

"Filomena, please, cara mia, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, please come back!"

I staggered. I wasn't prepared for her apology. I stood in the doorway. I still very much wanted fresh air. And sunshine. But I was barefoot, and so bedraggled. And hungry. Sagging into myself, I realized that all hope was lost. I was totally defeated. I turned and slowly stalked into the kitchen.

Tears began streaming down my sunburned face. I stood before Mama as if I was a five-year old again. "I'm afraid he is drowned, or lying someplace, mortally injured," I began. "I'm sure that I will never see him again and Mama I must see him again, I must, I just have to." I probably would have stopped there, but Mama took me so lovingly into her arms and held me so tightly that I started to wail and sob and I couldn't stop. Five months of pent up frustration came pouring out of me. I no longer worried what Mama would say because I was full of so much misery there wasn't room for even a trickle more.

I knew then how much my mother really loves me because she didn't try to stop me from crying. She just held onto me and then she started rocking me back and forth in her mighty arms. I must have cried for half an hour, not a moment less!

And then, utterly exhausted, the tears ceased and I sank into a chair. I set my swollen face into my crossed arms and I remained there. I actually fell back to sleep!

The next thing I knew I was smelling the delightful aroma of very strong coffee. And something baking. I raised my head and there was Mama setting down in front of me a steaming cup of coffee, splashed with milk. I took a sip. It was sweet with extra sugar, just the way I love it. Mama started me drinking coffee when I was a small child and it never fails that it always raises my spirits.

But there was more. Mama had taken some of our precious cornmeal and baked me a pan of cornbread. I was famished. She held the hot pan with a dishcloth and cut a large section of the steaming bread and set it on a plate. Then she smothered it in butter, and added some of the orange marmelade that she made last year at Christmas.

Neither of us said a word as we sat together sharing this small luxury, a special breakfast that Mama saved for birthdays and Easter.

When the meal was over, I got up from the table and took two pails off the hooks, as I was headed to the fountain. I was going to bathe and wash my hair. Before I left though, I apologized to Mama.

"I'm sorry I neglected my duties yesterday," I began. "I will go see Signora Bichietti, and I promise you Mama, I will not let this happen again." She nodded and that was all. Later, she explained to me that when she had been pacing beside my bed, she was simply talking to Papa, asking him over and over again what she could do to ease my pain.

It helped to hear that. Much like me praying to the Virgin Mary, Mama was asking for help from a bigger authority: Papa, who is always resting in the clouds up in heaven!

********

And when I say how Giovanni finally appeared, some will say, oh but how could he know where to find you? But of course he knew, it was the place we had first met. It was the place we had fallen deeper and deeper in love. It was the place we had made our declarations, our promises.

It was a Sunday afternoon, the very last day of October in 1869. An unusually cool day. The sky was a blue so pure that it actually made me smile.

Mama and I had an acorn squash for lunch, which she had bought at the market. She added a sprinkling of parmesan, and some oregano. So delicious. And Mama gave me an extra half a glass of red wine. She never said why, but I knew.

Perhaps that extra wine did it! Because what I most remember about that day was how calm I was feeling. I wanted to write about that blessed sense of peace. I wanted to say that it felt like I was floating in cool water. A temperature so perfect that the water was gone and I was immersed in a cloud of pure eternity!

So after lunch I took my journal -- with only three blank pages left -- and I walked to the big rocks. I walked very slowly. With every step, I let my bare feet sink deep into the sand. When I got to the rocks, I didn't sit down right away. I set my gaze on the blue line of the horizon and slowly moved my eyes from right to left. I caught sight of a fish jumping close to shore, and that made me think of Papa, and all the times I went fishing with him. He was with me that day, more than usual. I felt him so close to me. And then I decided that if I could feel Papa with me, then I could also feel Giovanni too.

I sat down and leaned back against the biggest rock, and took my sunhat off. I opened the journal and wrote:

"There are moments when we are more alive that we ever thought possible. Perhaps if I were some kind of saint, I would find life full of these moments. Because isn't that what God is, the explosion of connection to the splendor of Being? All I know is that today, October 31, 1869, I find myself in some kind of divine umbrella!"

I filled a page, but decided to save the last two pages for another day. I sat for a while and then I decided to return home. I picked up my boots, and began walking and saw a figure in the distance. At first I thought nothing of it. I proceeded down the beach. When I lifted my gaze again, however, I stopped. I wasn't sure, but... the figure in the distance was coming into view. A couple moments later, it was close enough now to see that it was a he and he was exceptionally tall.

All of a sudden I couldn't make myself move. But then I realized that the figure was coming in my direction at a fast pace. My eyes grew large and my face split into a silly grin and the next thing I knew I dropped my shoes and my journal and I raced in his direction.

We might have crashed into each other except when he got close to me he came to an absolute standstill. He was breathing hard and his right arm was tied up in a cast and a white sling. But he was smiling and I folded myself into his one good arm, my own two arms wrapped tightly around his chest. I wanted to scream and cry out but I was perfectly silent and all I heard was him saying over and over, "Oh my dear dear Fi, oh my beloved girl, my wonderful delightful Fi, here you are right beside me again!"

The rest, I decided, can wait for another day.