By Alexis P
I don’t know where the right place to start is, there probably isn’t a right place, so I’ll just start. Its nice here Mom, it's calm, it's peaceful. There are other people here, well not corpus people like where you are, but they exist like I do.
There is no time, no age or anything like that here.
I know you think about time a lot, you will be driving down the street, or taking a shower, or having dinner and you think, “My baby would have been four years old, I would have been filling a sippy cup up.” Don’t think that way Mom, I don’t age, I am just the way I am, how I always have been and how I always will be. It’s ok to let go of those painful markers of time.
I don’t hate you mom, I don’t feel like you robbed me of a life.
Everyone follows the same path in their existence, life then death. My path just moved a little faster. Had I lived, I would have died, and I would be right back to where I am now. Let go of that guilt.
I am so proud of you and Dad. You both are making something of your lives, you have jobs you love, you are in school, you have friends, you and Dad are happy. You were so young, you had so much life ahead of you, and I understand that if you had given birth to me much of your life would have been hindered. You think you are selfish, but I know you struggled with the decision, I know you loved me; I know you still love me. You think about everything I could have been if you had kept me, how maybe I could have changed the world. Think about how you and Dad can change the world, you let one person go, and now two people have a better chance to succeed. I’m not mad mom.
I’m not asking you to forget about me Mom, I love you and Dad and I want you to love me too, but be mindful of your feelings. You get caught up in, “My baby would have been,” or “My baby could have been.” Don’t think that way. Let go of the “could have,” “would have,” “should have,” and focus on what is. I am already gone, don’t drain yourself over it.
Just know this: I love you Mom and Dad.