SWADDLED BY LOVE

NOTE: I should have posted this poem on May 11, 2020 when I wrote it. BUT THEN AGAIN WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE NOW AND HOW TIME IS ALWAYS PRESENT IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT IT'S SO MANY WEEKS LATER! Sitting here today and reading it out loud to my husband I see that i really HAVE COME FACE TO FACE WITH SADNESS.  I really did/do let love envelope me.

I have Mary my spiritual therapist to thank for all these years of instruction: live in your heart, stay in the present moment and wrap yourself and all others in love. And NOW as I try to post this poem, another coinkydinky occurs: the computer screen pops up with a message that Word has had to close because of some malfunction. Another overload of the electronics in my life! This is the screen I faced:

I AM GRATEFUL TODAY FOR THIS SCREEN AND FOR EVERY MIRACLE THAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING SINCE I FIRST STARTED NOTICING THEM AND ESPECIALLY SINCE I STARTED WRITING THIS BOOK IN FEBRUARY 2020, FOUR MONTHS AGO.

So here now is the poem:

I am grateful today for this poem, which is kind of an experiment,

You might call it MY NOSEDIVE

into expressive writing,

I’m desperate to see if 

I can finally stop fighting.

If I can surrender up

my 

absolute 

terror

of the big D!

No No, not death

But DEPRESSION.

Can I use this writing to

to yield up to DIFFICULT EMOTIONS

USING DIVINE POWER?

Right now

Write in this moment

I am determined to allow in

All the fear I’ve been

running away from

all these years.

And all the sadness

I’ve tried to stuff under

The pillow of my heart.

Before today, I really

THOUGHT IF I JUST RAN FAST 

ENOUGH AND WROTE

LONG 

and OFTEN ENOUGH

Somehow I could keep

Pain and sadness at bay.

I would not 

KNOW THE PAIN 

OF 

THE FLESH OF

DEAD FLOWERS

AND THE ABSENCE 

OF DEAR LOVED ONES.

I WOULD BE SPARED

UTTER LOSS AND DESPERATION.

I’ve been working so

hard to deny it.

SADNESS. 

But now I know that

I can fight and fight and fight 

Morning noon and night

And 

I can write and write and write

a hundred thousand

novels

and 14 million poems

and still I must at

some point come home

to the death of joy

and life and laughter.

After eight weeks of isolation

I woke up a few days ago 

FEELING DEEPLY DEEPLY LONELY.

Depressed, and ANGRY dammit, missing

My family and friends.

Every time I imagine

hugging one of my children

warm to my chest,

I FEEL DESPERATE.

Every time I see my

new granddaughter

DANI on a video,

Her little mouth,

Her teeth, 

her chubby cheeks wet

from dribbling. I yearn

to hold her

on my lap

and kiss hers and Ro’s foreheads

and their

blessed tiny faces.

OH GOD HOW LONG

will this isolation last? 

At those times, my patience evaporated,

My unhappiness seems endless

and downright dangerous. 

LIKE IT WILL SWALLOW ME UP!

That’s why I am writing this poem

So that I can face it: 

I have to own my sadness.

The squeeze of the heart

And the gaping hole in the chest.

OH GOD IT IS RAINING NOW

BRING ON THE DOWNPOUR

CRASH THE LIGHTNING

AND THUNDER,

While I let my tears water 

My face and heart.

I AM FEELING THE LIQUID PAIN

RUNNING UP AND DOWN

MY ARMS AND LEGS.

But I am also feeling a dribble

NO, A WASH OF WARM LOVE

IN MY CHEST

AND I CAN HEAR IT TOO.

I CAN FEEL LOVE WHISPERING

AND NOW ROARING

IN MY EARS.

MY FEAR IS REAL BUT SO

IS MY LOVE 

IT SWADDLES

MY HEART.

I will move very slowly

through this day

I WILL KEEP THE LOVE 

CUDDLING UP THE

FEAR.

I CAN DO THIS:

I CAN WRAP 

MY DESPERATION UP

I CAN

PLACE

IT

HERE

 IN A 

GOLDEN

SHAWL

OF 

DIVINE

LIGHT AND LOVE.

MY GAUZY PROTECTION

STRETCHES 

FROM HEAVEN

ABOVE

TO EARTH

BELOW.

So here now

I am going 

VERY

VERY

SLOWLY

I am 

GOING 

TO 

STAY

IN 

THIS 

DIVINELY

SACRED

NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW

AH

SEE HOW NICE IT FEELS TO WRITE THAT!

SEE HOW NICE IT FEELS

TO FEEL THAT LOVE

IN EACH

AND

EVERY

MOMENT?

I VOW

NOW: 

I AM GOING

TO

FEEL

MORE 

AND

MORE

ENERGY

I’m going to 

EXPAND 

PRESENCE

AND

COMFORT

AND

LIGHT.

I FEEL 

SOME

IN MY

FACE 

--SMILE –

I FEEL IT FLOODING 

MY ARMS

MY 

LEGS

AND TOES

AND

ANKLES

AND

NECK

AND 

WRISTS

AND

EVEN THESE FINGERS

AND MY NOSE.

WRITING THIS 

EXPERIMENTAL POEM IS WORKING!

THE PAIN IS STILL COMING ROARING 

UP FROM MY 

MY GUT BUT 

RESTING HERE

IN MY CHEST

LOVE IS SWADDLING

ME

==COMPLETELY==

THANK YOU GOD!

AMEN!

May 11, 2010