Sunday, June 28, 2020

SWADDLED BY LOVE

NOTE: I should have posted this poem on May 11, 2020 when I wrote it. BUT THEN AGAIN WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE NOW AND HOW TIME IS ALWAYS PRESENT IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT IT'S SO MANY WEEKS LATER! Sitting here today and reading it out loud to my husband I see that i really HAVE COME FACE TO FACE WITH SADNESS.  I really did/do let love envelope me.
I have Mary my spiritual therapist to thank for all these years of instruction: live in your heart, stay in the present moment and wrap yourself and all others in love. And NOW as I try to post this poem, another coinkydinky occurs: the computer screen pops up with a message that Word has had to close because of some malfunction. Another overload of the electronics in my life! This is the screen I faced:



I AM GRATEFUL TODAY FOR THIS SCREEN AND FOR EVERY MIRACLE THAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING SINCE I FIRST STARTED NOTICING THEM AND ESPECIALLY SINCE I STARTED WRITING THIS BOOK IN FEBRUARY 2020, FOUR MONTHS AGO.

So here now is the poem:



I am grateful today for this poem, which is kind of an experiment,
You might call it MY NOSEDIVE
into expressive writing,
I’m desperate to see if 
I can finally stop fighting.
If I can surrender up
my 
absolute 
terror
of the big D!
No No, not death
But DEPRESSION.
Can I use this writing to
to yield up to DIFFICULT EMOTIONS
USING DIVINE POWER?
Right now
Write in this moment
I am determined to allow in
All the fear I’ve been
running away from
all these years.
And all the sadness
I’ve tried to stuff under
The pillow of my heart.

Before today, I really
THOUGHT IF I JUST RAN FAST 
ENOUGH AND WROTE
LONG 
and OFTEN ENOUGH
Somehow I could keep
Pain and sadness at bay.
I would not 
KNOW THE PAIN 
OF 
THE FLESH OF
DEAD FLOWERS
AND THE ABSENCE 
OF DEAR LOVED ONES.
I WOULD BE SPARED
UTTER LOSS AND DESPERATION.


I’ve been working so
hard to deny it.
SADNESS. 
But now I know that
I can fight and fight and fight 
Morning noon and night
And 
I can write and write and write
a hundred thousand
novels
and 14 million poems
and still I must at
some point come home
to the death of joy
and life and laughter.

After eight weeks of isolation
I woke up a few days ago 
FEELING DEEPLY DEEPLY LONELY.
Depressed, and ANGRY dammit, missing
My family and friends.
Every time I imagine
hugging one of my children
warm to my chest,
I FEEL DESPERATE.
Every time I see my
new granddaughter
DANI on a video,
Her little mouth,
Her teeth, 
her chubby cheeks wet
from dribbling. I yearn
to hold her
on my lap
and kiss hers and Ro’s foreheads
and their
blessed tiny faces.
OH GOD HOW LONG
will this isolation last? 
At those times, my patience evaporated,
My unhappiness seems endless
and downright dangerous. 
LIKE IT WILL SWALLOW ME UP!

That’s why I am writing this poem
So that I can face it: 
I have to own my sadness.
The squeeze of the heart
And the gaping hole in the chest.
OH GOD IT IS RAINING NOW
BRING ON THE DOWNPOUR
CRASH THE LIGHTNING
AND THUNDER,
While I let my tears water 
My face and heart.
I AM FEELING THE LIQUID PAIN
RUNNING UP AND DOWN
MY ARMS AND LEGS.
But I am also feeling a dribble
NO, A WASH OF WARM LOVE
IN MY CHEST
AND I CAN HEAR IT TOO.
I CAN FEEL LOVE WHISPERING
AND NOW ROARING
IN MY EARS.
MY FEAR IS REAL BUT SO
IS MY LOVE 
IT SWADDLES
MY HEART.
I will move very slowly
through this day
I WILL KEEP THE LOVE 
CUDDLING UP THE
FEAR.
I CAN DO THIS:
I CAN WRAP 
MY DESPERATION UP
I CAN
PLACE
IT
HERE
 IN A 
GOLDEN
SHAWL
OF 
DIVINE
LIGHT AND LOVE.
MY GAUZY PROTECTION
STRETCHES 
FROM HEAVEN
ABOVE
TO EARTH
BELOW.
So here now
I am going 
VERY
VERY
SLOWLY
I am 
GOING 
TO 
STAY
IN 
THIS 
DIVINELY
SACRED
NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW
AH
SEE HOW NICE IT FEELS TO WRITE THAT!
SEE HOW NICE IT FEELS
TO FEEL THAT LOVE
IN EACH
AND
EVERY
MOMENT?
I VOW
NOW: 
I AM GOING
TO
FEEL
MORE 
AND
MORE
ENERGY

I’m going to 
EXPAND 
PRESENCE
AND
COMFORT
AND
LIGHT.
I FEEL 
SOME
IN MY
FACE 
--SMILE –
I FEEL IT FLOODING 
MY ARMS
MY 
LEGS
AND TOES
AND
ANKLES
AND
NECK
AND 
WRISTS
AND
EVEN THESE FINGERS
AND MY NOSE.
WRITING THIS 
EXPERIMENTAL POEM IS WORKING!
THE PAIN IS STILL COMING ROARING 
UP FROM MY 
MY GUT BUT 
RESTING HERE
IN MY CHEST
LOVE IS SWADDLING

ME
==COMPLETELY==
THANK YOU GOD!

AMEN!

May 11, 2010


3 comments:

Kathy Joy said...

Your poem is filled with the gloom of depression and it’s honest. It is also exploding with the warmth and reality of Hope and Divine Protection and Victory.
Thank you for your “Nose Dive” into something experimental - it is a sacred piece; a precious gem; a rough stone tumbled into a smooth treasure.
Thank you so much!

Claudia R said...

Thanks so much for your comments Kathy! It was my pleasure to write it, and I'm glad it's been helpful!

Anonymous said...

Something that will resonate with many right now including me. Thanks.