THE TEXTING THAT BROUGHT FORTH MY FATHER LAST NIGHT

So there I lay under the FULLISH MOON

and I lay there and I lay there thinking about a lot of silly things, like what green vegetable I could serve Sunday with the spaghetti and meatballs, when we celebrated our ancestors on Día De Los Muertos. 

"Aha," I said. "Escarole!" Steamed greens, with lots of garlic and olive oil just like Mom and Grandma Mish used to make it.

So I texted my sister Holly and she responded:

"You're dreaming of escarole at midnight? Why you up so late?"

"Can't get to sleep. But I took a long bath and shower so now I am bathed clean."

"You should see what I've been up to," Holly said. "I took all the letters that Dad and Grandma exchanged during World War II and put them in sheet protectors and organized them in a binder."

"Sweet," I replied. "I bet there's a lot of love in those letters."

"Yes!" she said. "Imagine poor Grandma Albina, having two sons in Europe during the war!"

"Well, so, bring them to the ancestors' party on Sunday!" 

There was a pause in the texting and then I wrote:

"Right now I am staring at the full moon outside the window and it was exactly this way the night you called me when Dad passed about 1:30 or two in the morning. You said you felt a lot of presences in that room guiding him to the beyond."

"I did feel them. And now I have Dad's and Grandma's voices in my head from reading the letters all day."

"How cool," I said. Pause. Yawning, I wrote. "I'm getting sleepy watching the moon and thinking about Dad."

She sent three emoji PINK SPARKLING HEARTS.

I texted: "Dad is a powerful presence in my mind and heart."

"Yes," Holly said, "I feel like Dad is very much around."

I told Holly that my daughter Lindsay (on the left) texted me after reading a chapter and said that her astrologer had just said "the full moon is making a very powerful time for ancestors to come forward."

"OH GOOD," Holly cried.

And then out of the blue, because I was feeling bad that I still didn't have any photos of Grandpa ANGELo's family for my book, I wrote: "Do you have any pictures of Grandpa ANGELo's mother and father?

But what came out instead was this:

"Do you have any pictures of Grandpa ANGELo's mother and father father?" 

FATHER FATHER. TWO FATHERS!

"HEY HAW SOMETHING WEIRD JUST HAPPENED WHEN I WROTE THAT LAST TEXT."

"Yes, what happened?

I wrote the word "father," once, BUT WHAT CAME OUT WAS

father father

twice.

"Oh Caw," she wrote, "maybe Siri is drunk!"

and I said

"THAT COULD BE DAD HAW!"

                                                   (Here is Holly with Dad with baby Lindsay)

"Maybe it is Dad Caw."

I wrote: "Now I'm wide awake and I will never get to sleep Haw!"

"Oh No!"

"That's OK," I said, "I can sleep tomorrow."

"I really want to have an out of body experience," Holly said.

"OH THAT WOULD BE COOL."

"I think dying is like waking up from a dream..."

I offered this: "Mary says there is no death." I yawned again. Finally I was really tired. But for some reason I was scrolling through my vast collection of photos on my iPhone just looking for what I wasn't sure.

I came to a series of photos of the World War II memorial in Washington, D.C., photos I took years ago. 

One photo took my breath away: 

"OMG HAW THIS GUY IN THE PHOTO LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE DAD IS STANDING THERE EVEN THE JACKET IS DAD'S JACKET!"

"OMG It really does. How I wanted to bring Dad to see that memorial before he died! But at least now he can go wherever he wants to go."

At that point my husband, another Richard, who was lying next to me trying to sleep woke up. Between the clattering of the virtual keyboard and the swishing back and forth of the texts in the quiet of the night I was making way too much noise. I texted: 

"YES YES Dad is free to go anywhere. Look Richard is getting really mad at me so I have to go. Good night, sweet dreams. I love you and we'll talk tomorrow, bye bye Haw, have a good night!"

"I love you Caw!!! Good night Richard!"

And there I lay still awake. I lay that way for another 20 minutes when my phone beeped again.

Trying not to wake my husband, I rolled over and picked up the phone and this is what I saw:

Holly -- who has a slew of family photos in several huge piles in her basement -- was writing in all caps:

"I SWEAR CAW A FEW MINUTES AGO I ASKED DAD FOR HELP IN FINDING THE PICTURE OF GRANDPA ANGELO'S FAMILY AND SUDDENLY I WAS GUIDED TO IT!

I gasped. I looked at the moon. I felt Dad in my  heart, just like Mary said I would.

"DAD DID IT HAW, YES, HE FOUND THE PHOTO FOR YOU!"

And that photo was exactly what I had been looking for to put into the LEAH HEAL HEAL LEAH book.

Holly paused. "And then I said thank you very much Dad. And then I got a wonderful chill all over my body. Like he was there with me!"

"YES," I texted, my heart pounding. "I FEEL HIM HERE AND BEING THERE WITH YOU TOO!"

And then I added, "That's how Mary said the ancestors would come, their presence would hit you right 

in 

your

And then I inserted a heart emoji.

By then it was after two am, and the FULLISH MOON was still staring at me from the window, and I thought of Dad's passing, and his coming back

And then I recalled something else.

Dad spent hundreds and hundreds of hours compiling his grandfather, Pasquale Orzo's family tree years back. That was his mother's side of the family.

And here, now, by producing the Ricci family photo, with Grandpa Angelo sitting on the floor farthest to the left, Dad was helping to

compile

the Ricci

family story too.

 

I REALIZE AM HEALED, thanks to MY DAD -- who passed August 15, 2019 -- AND WHO CONTACTED ME AND MY SISTER HOLLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!!!

I am not frightened. I am ready.  

Finally 

after writing 

this book since February, 7 or 8 months now,

I am Leah. 

I am 

after seven YEARS

I REALIZE THAT I AM HEALED. I feel so healed. So humble. So grateful. it's incredible. And in the end,

the realization came so suddenly

it took only one night -- a momentous night when OUR DAD RICHARD LOUIS RICCI

THE LITTLE FACE PEEKING OUT BEHIND BABY LINDSAY IS MY SISTER HOLLY

CAME TO HOLLY AND ME SIMULTANEOUSLY!!!!!!!

ALL OF A SUDDEN, WHEN I LEAST EXPECTED IT DAD CAME!!!!! 

HE SHOWED HOLLY EXACTLY WHERE TO LOOK IN THE HUMONGOUS PILE OF PHOTOS

TO FIND

THE PHOTO OF OUR RICCI ANCESTORS THAT WE WERE DYING TO FIND. 

(more on that tomorrow)

WE ARE DYING TO MEET OUR ANCESTORS THIS SUNDAY ON DIA DE LOS MUERTOS!)

when I have my whole family over for dinner! Spaghetti and meatballs, what else?

And now I realize this:

that I am completely and utterly done finished fini finito 

with the devastating depression, the illness that struck me in 2012. HOORAY AND HALLLLLELUJAH

the STORY OF HOW I REALIZED I WAS FINALLY HEALED

IS A SACRED STORY

Last night's installment started in the middle of the night, under a foolish moon, no no, not a FOOLISH MOON at all (although some may call it so but who cares WHAT ANYBODY SAYS ABOUT THIS BOOK IT HAS HEALED ME THANK YOU GOD AND MARY AND ALL THE ANGELS!!!!)

Mary Marino, my spiritual guide, would say, "just keep going and feeling your feelings and don't worry about how your book lands."

Peg Woods, DR. PM WOODS, my writing buddy and co-director of the UMASS WRITING PROGRAM

she too said to me during our Friday ZOOM (we're both writing books and trading chapters).

She said this to me last week:

"Who knows how our stories affect people? We just have to put it out there and see what happens."

So here you go:

it happened

UNDER A FULLISH MOON

(HOLY SHIT -- IT JUST HAPPENED AGAIN. ANOTHER SYNCHRONICITY!!! WHEN I WROTE THE WORDS "FULLISH MOON" I DECIDED TO START LOOKING THROUGH 12 YEARS OF PHOTOS TO SEE IF I  HAD TAKEN A PHOTO OF THE MOON IN THE WINDOW AND I SAID TO RICH:

"I just wish I had a photo of the full moon in the bedroom window THE NIGHT MY DAD DIED"

AND AT THAT VERY INSTANT THIS PHOTO HERE 

APPEARS ON MY SCREEN like 

MAGIC!

This is what you call a SYNCHRONICITY, OR, a GODWINK, as Kathy Joy informed me.

And my darling husband Richard Kirsch calls THEM

COINKDINKIES.

Anyway, getting back to

LAST NIGHT

the photo of the fullish moon is exactly what I was gazing at the night

when my DAD RL RICCI passed, August 15 2020, 1:30 or 2 a.m. Holly was by his side in hospice in Amherst, MA

and I was at home in bed. That night she called me and said

"I CAN FEEL ALL SORTS OF OTHER PRESENCES HERE."

Last night when for some unexplained reason

I could not find sleep.

That moon was exactly what I was staring at  again!

So at 11:30 I got up and took a long long hot shower

and then for some reason

just to relax more

I took a long hot bath. 

I was reading a book that profiles psychics. It's terrific and it is called

"THE GIFT WITHIN."

Anyway,, I got back in bed, and that's when the texting with HAW (my name for Holly and hers for me is CAW because as a baby she couldn't pronounce

Claudia)

started in earnest 

Now, I am going to stop writing this chapter so I might post it and also eat my steel cut oats and do some yoga. The teacher I'm following today is Koya Webb, from Insight Timer, an amazing app that does yoga, meditation, yoga nidra and everything else you can imagine.

Koya taught this morning and I found it to be among the most sacred yoga I have taken ever.

Her white leotard against her beautiful brown skin

reminds me of

the moon shining

in the window.

Again

and

Again

and when I sent my daughter

 Lindsay 

MY LAST CHAPTER called "Your Ancestors Love You Beyond Belief" 

(this is Lindsay and me in Firenze, Italy, in 2010)

she wrote back something that sent me into shivers of joy:

"Very cool piece Mom. The astrologer i listen to said this Halloween/full moon/Dia de los Muertos

is a VERY GOOD TIME TO CONNECT WITH THE ANCESTORS."

MORE SHORTLY....

Grandpa Angelo's Irises Have Been Blooming for NINE DAYS!

At first it appeared to be just a little fluke -- an iris that had come from my Grandpa Angelo Ricci's garden back in Bristol, CT, bloomed in my front yard in cold weather on Monday, October 19th. But it has now been nine days. Multiple irises have shot forth from the green stalks, and more blossoms are coming out from other stems. The flowers are standing strong through all kinds of rain and low temps.

Someone pointed out to me that irises -- which take their name from the Greek word for "rainbow," have a long spiritual tradition. The flower can be found virtually in every part of the world, growing naturally and on farms. They have been used as a medicinal remedy for eons.

 

Here is some more history I found:

 

"The iris’s history is rich, dating back to Ancient Greek times when the Greek Goddess Iris, the messenger of the gods and the personification of the rainbow, acted as the link between heaven and earth. Purple irises were planted over the graves of women to summon the Goddess to guide the dead in their journey. Ancient Egyptian kings marveled in the iris’s exotic nature, and drawings have been found of the flower in a number of Egyptian palaces. During the Middle Ages, the meaning of irises became linked to the French monarchy, and the Fleur-de-lis eventually became the recognized national symbol of France."

 

It's this sentence that stands out:

 

"Purple irises were planted over the graves of women to summon the Goddess to guide the dead in their journey."

 

Guiding the dead in their journey brings to mind Día de Los Muertos, a holiday which coincides with Halloween, All Saint’s Day and All Soul’s day. These three holidays just happen to be this weekend. 

Celebrated in Mexico and other Spanish-speaking countries, Día de Los Muertos pays homage to a person's ancestors. It's a day of celebration, without sadness or ghoulishness or fear. It's a chance to feel close to beloved family members who have passed. It isn't at all like Halloween which spooks us with ghosts and skeletons, reminding us that death looms. Instead, Día de Los Muertos celebrates life and reunites in joy with our loved ones, using music, dancing, food and processions.

I've invited my family to come for dinner on Sunday, and I'm planning to make spaghetti and meatballs in honor of my Italian tradition. I will place my parents' and grandparents' photos on a small altar, along with candles and chrysanthemums, the traditional flower. Maybe we'll watch the Disney movie "Coco," which is all about one family's experience with death and Día de los Muertos.

How fitting I would find out about this holiday now, as I have begun celebrating my ancestors as I write the book I'm calling, Heal Leah, Leah Heal.

I DID A SKETCH OF THE IRIS A FEW DAYS AGO!

One sad note: I don't know anything about my Grandpa Angelo Ricci's parents or grandparents. That's because my Grandfather's mother objected to my grandfather marrying my grandmother, Albina Orzo. Growing up, we had no contact with his family at all. That just makes me appreciate the rest of my family even more.

Meet My Amazing Meditation Teacher!!!!

"What does your day look like?   How about a moment to just breathe with awareness?   One in-breath, one out-breath.   Feeling the sensations of the body.   Just this moment.  Consider the possibility of taking a moment like this periodically during the day."  Greg Topakian, Ph.D., Mindfulness Instructor, Westborough, MA

My friend Greg -- I've known him for  almost 50 years -- is an incredible meditation and mindfulness teacher. The class he teaches on Zoom every Tuesday evening is a godsend, both to me and to so many people in the class. Like most people these days, we are plagued by anxiety and other mental strain during this very stressful time. 

Blame it on 

the

pandemic

or

as

I 

call it:

the PEN-DAMN-IC!

But there is a silver lining here. It was only because of the pendamnic that Greg took the class he normally teaches in the library in Westborough, Massachusetts and turned it into a Zoom class. And that's the only reason I can take the class too.

We sit for 30 minutes of guided meditation and then we discuss our meditation and mindfulness practices. Greg's wisdom, and his command of the nuances of the topics, are immense. Combine that with his deep commitment to mindfulness, which is just so extraordinary. He's been teaching this class for years, and has never charged a dime.

I'm so so grateful that I am in the class. Because of this instruction, I am now pausing often during the day just to breathe for a few minutes.

I'm also taking more mindful walks, forcing myself to slow down to my dog's "sniffwalking" pace. And I notice far more details as I walk. I've also slowed down my yoga and I focus far more on breathing through the poses than I used to.

Thank you Greg

for bringing

us into the NOW

over and over again!

Love, Claud xoxo

YOUR ANCESTORS LOVE YOU BEYOND BELIEF

I am writing this on the back patio in 63 degree weather. I've been doing yoga outdoors all week. I've been watching the miraculous irises 

grow and multiply.

A few minutes ago, I spoke to MY SPIRITUAL GUIDE MARY MARINO. I told her that on Tuesday, I listened to an Oprah Super Soul Conversation with James van Praagh, a nationally-recognized spiritual medium WHO CONVINCED ME that he can communicate with loved ones who have passed on.

This morning, I wrote my parents DEE AND RICK  a note in my journal saying: "I would be a bit scared but also very glad if you would communicate with me even more than you have."

Mary reassured me that loved ones who have passed aren't going to be scary. If I consider the irises blooming in October as a communication, then Mary is absolutely right. These flowers, which are continuing to produce new blossoms, are amazing and wonderful.

Mary says that ancestors feel nothing but love for their descendants. "The way they  contact you is through the heart," Mary says. "You feel a burst of love and then you feel 'wow, that's just how I felt the loving presence of my mom and dad.'"

We got talking about how our ancestors love us.

"Just think about the love you have for your children. And then think of the love, love, love that you have for your grandchildren. Well, so, can you imagine the love you would have for your great grandchildren? When your ancestors look down upon you, their love multiplies in intensity. Your ancestors love you beyond belief. Their capacity to love just grows and grows with each new generation."

Speaking of my children, here is Jocelyn (left) with her son Ronen with Lindsay, the day Linds is getting married (July 29, 2017.)

I also have an amazing son, Noah Kirsch. 

And here is Jocelyn's second child, darling daughter DANI, who was named for Dena Clementina Rotondo Ricci.

It gives me chills to think about all this love. I know how much I love my children. I know how incredibly precious Ro and Dani are to me. THEY MAKE MY HEART MELT!

It's hard to imagine the two of them with their own children but I will be happy to have it happen.

I told Mary that I feel kind of bad that I don't have the same level of affection toward my ancestors that they apparently have for me. I LOVE MOM AND DAD

Here is my dad with baby Lindsay when she was brand new. Hiding behind is my wonderful sister Holly. Then one with Mom, Dad and Lindsay.

AND HERE ARE GRANDMA AND GRANDPA ANGELO AND ALBINA RICCI

AND GRANDMA MISH AND CLAUDE ROTONDO

but when it comes to other ancestors, it's hard to say I love them because I never knew them. I know them now only in old black and white photos.

"Just feel gratitude," Mary says. "Just say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for having birthed the lineage that produced me. Just say, 'I am so so grateful for the gifts of life and love.'"

So now I am feeling very grateful. I am gazing out to the meadow and loving the fall colors, especially the three RED TREES AT THE FAR END. I know more than ever that I have to stay calm to write this book. I have to be patient waiting for more signs from my ancestors, and to do that I have to live peacefully in the NOW.

So I am going to sit here and fill the rest of this post with some of my dear ancestor's photos. As I think this, suddenly the sweetest bird sound fills the air. It's so loud and beautiful, I thank whichever ancestor is speaking to me. And then an orange butterfly flutters overhead.

OK, now for the photos.

Here is Great Grandma Clementina Ciucci Caponi, who advised her daughter, my Grandma Mish (Michelina Rotondo) to have her firstborn son vaccinated back in the 1920s. The vaccine was bad and the baby-- named Dante Antonio Rotondo -- died at the tender age of nine months.

Oh, here is another photo of Jossy with her son Ronen Dante, a middle name honoring my Uncle Dante Rotondo, who was my Grandma Mish's second baby (yes they used the same name as they did for the first baby, which caused no end of stress in my uncle's life.)

HOLD ON!!!! THIS PHOTO OF THE IRIS, WHERE DID IT COME FROM?  I DID NOT SELECT THIS IRIS PHOTO WHEN I WAS SELECTING A PHOTO FOR MY ANCESTOR CLEMENTINA. I TAKE THIS TO BE ANOTHER SIGN.

MOM, YOU ALSO BEAR THE NAME CLEMENTINA (as well as the name DENA), SO I AM GOING TO ASSUME THAT YOU SENT ME THIS SIGN. 

Here you are, DEE. you gorgeous girl you!

BUT WAIT. IT'S DAD'S FATHER, ANGELO RICCI, WHO GREW THE IRISES THAT I ADORE SO MUCH AND WHICH ARE SO INCREDIBLY  IMPORTANT TO THIS BOOK.

So maybe it's both Mom and Dad ========SENDING ME THESE IRISES============. 

Now it occurs to me how crazy all this must sound to the reader.

I tell myself,

"DON'T GO BONKERS THINKING EVERY SINGLE THING IS A SIGN. That's what Dr. Gary Schwartz -- a research psychologist formerly with Yale University and now at the University of Arizona -- does in his book (which I am now reading) CALLED

SUPER SYNCHRONICITY, WHERE SCIENCE AND SPIRIT MEET.

HE WRITES IN GREAT DETAIL ABOUT SYNCHRONICITIES.

My own word file detailing synchronicities, or coinkydinkies, (or as my friend Kathy Joy calls them, "God Winks,") is 45 pages long. It goes back to 1996! It continues today right up to this minute. Rich coined the word coinkydinky. He says I simply have a keenly developed awareness that puts me in tune with the Universe.

All I know is that coincidences I cannot explain are happening all around me. As I am writing this post this morning, Rich is listening to NPR and suddenly there is a children's book being promoted. Called "I'm Every Good Thing," by Derrick Barnes, a gorgeous book, it mentions ancestors. 

Back to MY ANCESTOR'S PHOTOS:

Here is Great Grandma Domenica Bianchini Rotondo, Grandpa Claude Rotondo's mother, who we know as La Abandonatha:

Here is my mother Dena' as an infant, I think her eyes resemble Domenica's!

Next is Domenica's husband, my great grandfather Luigi Rotondo. Here he is in the Rotondo family tree, designed and assembled by my first cousin, Pat Rotondo (whose father was the second Dante):

Here now is an ancestor on my dad's side. She is Great Great Grandma Filomena Scrivano, who had a baby out of wedlock in a backward little town in southern Italy in 1870:  

And here is her son, my Great Grandpa Pasquale, who originated the last name Orzo (the town assigned him the name!) He produced my Grandma Albina Orzo Ricci and all of her sisters:

And here is Pasquale with his wife, my Great Grandmother Caterina Amendola Orzo. My great grandparents were married in January of 1898, in the tiny Italian coastal town of San Lucido, adjacent to the town of Paola where my great grandfather was born into shame. He is lucky he survived, as many infants born out of wedlock in Italian villages in the 1800s were killed.

It's time to stop. I've got to go for a walk. I need to clear my head. Writing this book fills me with explosive energy sometimes. The thought that I am trying to communicate with my mom and dad, or whichever ancestor(s) is/are available out there in the great beyond just blows my mind.

That's why I am doing so much yoga. To keep myself grounded in my body. To try to remain 

sane.