Naturally, I should probably fear the worst. That for whatever reason he's just not coming back.
The page began,
"My darling Filomena, I hope you are well, and writing in your journal! I think of you all the time, with enormous amounts of love!"
"Here is another sonnet by Petrach, a love poem just for you!
"Clear, sweet fresh water
where she, the only one who seemed
woman to me, rested her beautiful limbs..."
"...her face, her speech, her sweet smile
captured me, and so separated me,
from true thought
that I would say, sighing:
"How did I come here, and when?'
believing I was in heaven, not there where I
was.
Since then this grass
has so pleased me, nowhere else do I find
peace."
I suppose that I ought to be grateful that at least I got one letter, one poem, with him declaring his love. But at this point, I am losing hope! I am trying to live my life without expecting anything from him! But it's a never-ending challenge!
I am back to scrubbing floors, and doing a lot of laundry. My hands are dry and rough, and my fingernails are ragged, the skin cut and bleeding. Honestly, I've done enough laundry to last a lifetime. I made the mistake of telling Mama this when we were having our cafe two mornings ago. She told me that another new mother in the neighborhood, Maria Bichietti, needs help washing diapers and without thinking, I said, "Oh Mama I am just fed up with laundry. I think I prefer scrubbing floors."
She was quiet for a moment. Then she unloaded on me. "So I don't remember you being so fussy about laundry before your time at the villa. Does this mean you will refuse Signora Bichietti?"
I felt trapped. If I told her the truth and said I wanted to refuse the job, she would lecture me one more time about how I got hopelessly spoiled by the weeks I spent at the villa. So I tried a different tack.
"You know Mama it isn't wrong to try to find happiness and fulfilment in life."
Perhaps because I still hold out hope that Giovanni might rescue me from a life of poverty, I didn't want to hear what Mama was saying. But it made no sense to contradict her. I have tried that and she always ends up making me feel miserable by reminding me that Giovanni hasn't returned, and so, perhaps his intentions are not quite so honerable as I am hoping.
So instead of answering her right away, I started praying once again to the Virgin Mary, asking for a miracle, praying that Giovanni will come back here as he promised and make me his wife! This is what I've been doing for the past 119 days, praying for a miracle, at all hours of the day and night.
"I love you Mama," I whispered finally, getting up from the table, carrying my empty cup. "I will speak to Signora Bichietti this afternoon!"
**********
Three weeks have gone by, and now, today, September 30th, perhaps my prayers have been answered! I have reason to believe that Giovanni is on his way back to Paola. But I don't want to raise my hopes too high. Not until I see him with my two eyes, not until I feel his arms circling me, will I stop holding my breath.
This morning, it was overcast. I took a walk on the beach and the white sky pressed down on my spirits. Naturally I was thinking about Giovanni the whole time. I've gotten into the habit of walking the beach down to the large rocks, and sitting in the sand with my journal. I let the ocean breeze flow over me, and write my heart's innermost feelings on paper. Lately I've started writing in very small letters because I'm running out of pages.
I was writing about the frustration I was feeling, and how I was losing hope. And suddenly the sky opened up and poured cold rain on me and my beloved journal! I had all I could do to push the journal under my dress.
I rushed down the beach and by the time I reached town, I was soaking wet. I was feeling dreadful, so let down and frustrated. I started up the street. And then I heard my name.
"Filomena, is that you?"
Swiveling around, all I could see was an olive green tarp that looked like a walking tent! I waited and then the tarp lifted and there, a gift for my eyes was Tullio, all chubby faced and smiling!
"TULLIO!" I screamed! It seemed like nothing short of a miracle. "What in heaven's name are you doing in Paola?"
"First give me a proper hug!" I did, the two of us all sopping wet. "Filomena let's go someplace where we can dry off!"
Try as I might, I couldn't think of anywhere but the church! So there we went. Fortunately it was open, and no one was inside. We took the last row.
"Now tell me, Tullio, what are you doing here?" I was hoping against hope that he would say he was staying with Giovanni!
"That my dear is a longish story, but the bottom line is that Edoardo and I are staying in Giovanni's new place. And I am here to bring you news about him!"
"News?" I frowned. Why wasn't G here himself? I prepared myself for news that was bad!
"Yes, my dear, your friend Giovanni is at this moment in a very large sailboat, heading our way."
I nodded. "Sailing?" God knows, I wasn't expecting that. "Why is he sailing?"
"I have heard virtually nothing from him for months," I said, keeping my voice steady. "I was beginning to think he wasn't going to return."
Tullio patted my hand. "Yes, and that's why I am here. I last saw Giovanni ...hmmmm....six weeks ago, when he was boarding the sailboat in Portoferraio, way up in Tuscany. He knew he would be out of reach for weeks and weeks, so he asked me, when I said Edoardo and I wanted to stay in his place here, if I would pay you a visit and reassure you that his intention is still to return to San Lucido."
"I see." I realized I should be happy, no, ecstatic, hearing this news but for some reason, it left me flat. Giovanni seemed more out of reach than ever, somewhere out in the open ocean!
"I never knew he sailed," I said.
"Oh yes, his family actually has two large boats."
At that moment, I heard the dreaded voice of the priest. "Filomena, when you visit the church you can at least pretend that you have come to pray!"
My stomach did a somersalt. I turned to face the front of the church. Father was sweeping down the aisle in a cloud of anger and his expression looked like it always used to: warlike! I stood up.
"Hello Father, I'm sorry if we were making too much noise, but it is raining so hard outside I didn't know where else to go. I would like to introduce you to one of Giovanni's closest friends, Tullio." And I couldn't recall his last name. It didn't make any difference. Father was not inclined to lay out the welcome mat for Tullio.
"I see. Hello Signor Tullio. Well, if the two of you have no intention of praying, I would ask you please to leave. Va t'en!"
We didn't waste any time. Fortunately it had stopped raining. Steam was coming up from the cobbles.
"I'm sorry about him." I chuckled. "Giovanni is the only person who seems to be able to get the old priest to smile."
Tullio laughed out loud. "Ah, I bet the priest responds well to large monetary donations!"
"Yes, you could say that!" We started walking, and ended up at the water. The sand was wet. The sun was emerging, turning the steel grey water blue again.
"Anyway, Giovanni asked me to give you this. He pulled an envelope out of his leather satchel. Sorry it has gotten a bit soggy!"
I held the envelope to my chest. I inhaled. Suddenly I had an image of Giovanni standing on the bow of a sailboat, his face tanned and leathery. "So Tullio, did he say when he would be arriving here?"
"So of course there is no way of knowing for sure, because they are at the mercy of the winds and the weather. But when I left him in Tuscany, he said it would probably be six weeks. So he should be here any day now." Tullio stopped. "And Filomena, he made sure that I tell you how much he has missed you and how desperate he is to see you again."
I smiled. Could this be happening? Without thinking I wrapped my arms around Tullio, tarp and all. He pulled away after a moment, chuckling.
"Is the new house ready to be occupied?" I asked.
He laughed again. "Not really. But Edoardo and I are used to roughing it."
I was anxious to read the letter. "Tullio, I can't thank you enough for making the trip here to find me. I am in a hurry to get home now, but might we get together in the next few days? You and me and Edoardo?"
"An excellent plan," he replied. "How would it be we have a picnic on the beach?"
"I like that idea. Can we say the day after tomorrow? Perhaps later in the afternoon?" That would give me time to finish the laundry for Signora Bichetti.
We parted and I continued down the beach and settled once again at the large rocks, desperate to read Giovanni's letter! j
*********
My hands trembled so much I had trouble ripping open the envelope. Inside was a thick sheet of fine paper, with Giovanni's initials embossed in gold letters: GSM (S for Sebastian.) I held my breath as I read:
"My darling Filomena, it has been such a long time, but I still remember how it felt to touch your skin, to kiss your chest, to have you nestled in my arms as we rode in the carriage underneath the sparkling stars.
"How are you? I have been well, except for a bad bout of stomach pain, I think brought on by dealing with my father! Naturally, we came to no resolution except for one thing. He was finally willing to admit that my mother had left me, specifically, one of the family's fine old sailboats. There are two in the family, one named Lucia and the other named Renzo, for those two famous characters who are betrothed in Manzoni's famous book,"I Promessi Sposi." I was fortunate to get the prettier boat, Lucia!
Why my father kept from me the fact that I had inherited a sailboat from Mama is not exactly clear. As I've often said, he seems to begrudge the fact that I actually enjoy my life!
"So if you are reading this letter, you know by now that I am returning to San Lucido by sea! Forgive me for taking some extra time but it is much-needed! After spending such an agonizing visit with my family in Tuscany, I am desperate to put space -- physical as well as mental -- between them and me! And once I learned the sailboat was mine, I could hardly leave it behind!!
"But at the same time I am desperate to see you! I told Tullio that I expect it to be a six-week trip if all goes as planned. (We are a crew of two, me and my long-time friend Matheus Garibaldi!) This is not a new sailboat, however, the Lucia has a long and solid history on the water!
"Pray for my safe arrival, my darling! I will see your blessed face in every wave, and in each and every sunrise and sunset.
"With all my love,
"Giovanni
I sat there staring out at the water, trying to imagine him bouncing endlessly on the ocean waves. I whispered to myself: you have waited this long, so continue to be strong, Filomena, be strong and be patient, and wait just a little longer!
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