Here I am so tied up in knots that I feel like I cannot write. Why has the frozen feeling come back after all these months? Why now?
Once again, I turn to Italian. So soft. So comforting. I type in:
HERE I AM SO KNOTTED UP THAT I CANNOT SPEAK AT ALL.
Qui sono cosi annodato che non posso parlare affatto.
A few minutes ago I was feeling so frustrated I walked down the hall to the guest bedroom. I stood there looking in the oak mirror and suddenly I started screaming at the top of my lungs. "I DON'T WANT TO BE DEPRESSED ANYMORE. I HATE IT! I HATE BEING DEPRESSED AND I DON'T WANT TO LIVE THAT WAY ANYMORE." I probably screamed for two or three minutes.
In a bizarre way, it felt good to scream. To get the feelings out.
Soon, Richard walked in and hugged me. And then he said, "The most amazing thing just happened while I was meditating. This very large, very plump black and white bird with a red splotch on its breast came right up to the door."
I was astonished. "Oh my God, you just saw a rose-breasted grosbeak, honey," I said. The red splotch is heart shaped. Love.
I haven't seen this bird at our feeder in years and years and years.
Knowing that splendid bird had visited our house made me feel better. More alive.
I choose to see the Rose-breasted Grosbeak's visitation as a sign of DIVINE LOVE.
Mary tells me to live in love and acceptance.
Mary tells me to get in touch with all of my feelings. To feel them and let them flow through me like rain or ocean waves. And in the end, she says, I have to love them.
So I text her. Tell her about the grosbeak. Then I say,
"I am going to focus on love and acceptance today."
I am going to accept this low mood.
Having a low mood is part of being a normal human being.
I AM GOING TO FOCUS ON LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE TODAY.
Mi concentrerò sull'amore e l'accettazione oggi.
Mary writes back.
"Yes!!! You are blessed. May you receive all the love that you already have."
I sit here now staring out at the new garden. It is practically empty of flowers. But that's OK. It's beautiful just the way it is.
It's OK that I am feeling empty of words today.
VA BENE CHE OGGI SONO SENZA PAROLE.
I will focus on acceptance. I will say the Italian over and over again like a mantra.
I glance over at my meditation pillow. Poco has climbed onto the pillow and is lying there all curled up.
I go to the pillow and gently pick her up.
I hold her soft warm body against my chest, where the rose-breasted bird displays its heart for all to see.